One Man’s Check List for a Mate Reconfirmed My Mentality About Remaining Single
Here’s what I find hilarious and hypocritical about men who get pissed when a woman doesn’t want them if they don’t earn a satisfactory living wage: those same men have arbitrary check lists for what they want in a woman that actual women can’t possibly live up to. Literally, a man will have a check list of the qualities that he wants in a woman that will actually determine her personality as if he’s building a virtual mate, but somehow, when women like me reject men like that, I’m a bad person.
This is how that guy’s check list will sound…
1) She doesn’t watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians (My note: this same guy is attracted to Kim and Kourtney, but is angry because they’re high maintenance to the nth degree, and he knows he’d never have a shot with either of them even on his best day, therefore his saltiness translates into a restriction for his gf. Hating the Kardashians is very important to some people, which I find pitiable, but okay.)
2) She doesn’t wear makeup (My note: this type of guy actually likes “natural” makeup looks and doesn’t realize that it tends to take just as much time to create a natural look as it does to create a more flamboyant appearance. He also believes that makeup is “deception” even though most of the women he follows on Insta wear tons of makeup, wigs, have had surgery or wear waist trainers constantly, and on top of that slap filters over themselves so they further appear to be flawless.)
3) She likes sports (My note: I know so many women who didn’t like sports before they got into their romantic relationships, but a year later they’re rooting for specific teams and behaving like their life depends on whether or not that team wins the playoffs, championship, or the Superbowl. Those same chicks actually still couldn’t care less about sports, but they’ve literally decided to adopt this persona of enthusiasm around something that makes their boyfriend happy because they think it’ll make them closer. Those same men who quietly require this type of behavior from their girlfriends will balk at ANY and EVERYTHING that she finds entertaining. If he takes her to a baseball game, she’d better enjoy every second of it, but if she wants him to go to the opera with her, he will piss and moan and make it obvious that he’s doing something he doesn’t want to do, but she MUST accept that behavior from him.)
4) She has to support me in whatever I do (My note: I learned the hard way that men who are a combination of adamant and seemingly passive about this are some of the worst people you can come across in life. The adamantly overt part is supporting their work AND hobbies, meaning if he’s going to the studio to work on some beats, you have to want to sit in that studio for hours with him. Typically, you’re there as eye candy and some kind of awkward moral support, and his work in the studio may, or may not, be his main source of income — also awkward. If he’s had a bad day, you have to hear about it in great detail, and it’s usually a rant, and you have to agree with him on the matter. One of the key points of #4 is agreeing with him about everything, and that’s the seemingly passive part because this won’t come up unless you have an argument and you let it spill that you only agree with him because he’ll get mad if you don’t. Then he’ll get mad because he’s just found out that you’ve been fake agreeing because of his bad temper, and he’ll taunt you about not having a backbone. Please do not think I’m solely going off my own personal experience alone on this one. I’ve talked to at least ten other women, some married, some not, who’ve gone through this same thing. I wanted to know if that was an isolated experience I’d had, or if there were a lot of other men out there like this, and it was confirmed that many of them have this type of behavioral issue. I believe it’s an extension of narcissistic personality disorder, but I’m not a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist, so you don’t have to take my word for it, although you can study up on it yourself. Another thing is that they’ll require extreme support from you, but they won’t extend it back. If you ask for support in certain matters, they will sulk and act like giant children, where if you’d behaved the same way with them, they would’ve been appalled.)
5) She has to have the same interests as me (My note: this has to be one of the most boring things to want in a partner. It’s not just about liking the same movies, TV shows, and music, as if that’s not boring enough, but their partner has to also like the same type of décor and style in clothing they do. All of their tastes have to coordinate, which is just…another level weird. It’s good when you can blend your tastes, styles, and interests with someone else without them clashing, but to need the other person to like the same things as you in practically every way just means you want a clone of yourself, which is disturbing. It’s also narcissistic and blends in with #3 and #4. In other words, you don’t want the person to be themselves, you don’t want them to come into the relationship with their own personality and interests, but instead you want them to learn everything about you and the things that you like, and adapt. Yeah, that’s not a creepy turnoff at all.)
One of the things about looking for a partner is that you should be open to getting to know the other person first. You shouldn’t have this list formed in your mind of all these distinct characteristics you believe the other person NEEDS to possess in order for you to fall in love with them. Of course, you need to approach the situation like an adult, but being an adult means that you understand the difference between needs and wants. You have to understand that when you meet somebody, you shouldn’t be trying to plan out a future with them based on their looks, which is how most people end up having so many preconceived notions about someone they’ve had sex with, only to discover the person is nothing like the way they thought. Truthfully, the person they “thought” the other person was never existed in the first place, and the original version had been created in their own minds.
Another thing about looking for a partner is that you have to assess how they’ll fit into your life based on both your needs financially, mentally, emotionally, and yes, spiritually. The people online who are against taking someone’s financial situation into account when they’re getting serious romantically are irresponsible, plain and simple. Men today usually only make enough money to take care of themselves, and if he’s in debt, and you take on his debt as well as your own, and he has kids to boot, you, as the woman, have to decide whether you want to support him financially since he’s barely getting by.
Remember, the same man with those arbitrary requirements that I listed above are typically the ones you’ll find yourself taking care of financially. So, while you’re bending over backwards to be his perfect partner, your only return for all this heavy lifting isn’t having an actual loving caring partner, but your “reward” is being called his girlfriend. You have a title, congratulations.
If you like or love somebody, there is no real check list to consider, and if you treat other people the way you’d want to be treated, and you understand what introspection and self-reflection is, you’d actually learn to accept people for who they are and get the other details straight later. For instance, you may really like someone and date them for six months, but you may also notice that they’re reckless with their money and decide not to continue the relationship before it becomes any more serious than it already has. Another instance is when two people love one another, and although the woman makes more money than her male partner, they’re cool with it until after they get married and have their first kid. Then their finances become an extra stressor, puts strain on the marriage in some way, and they get a divorce. Finances are the second leading cause of divorce behind infidelity, so if you think finances aren’t, or shouldn’t be, a major topic of discussion or consideration in a committed romantic relationship, you need to grow up, or just remain single for the sake of others. Years ago, on Twitter, a black woman who said she married her husband because he was a good provider had to lock her page because she was attacked by a legion of (mostly black men) people who were calling her a gold digger, rather than seeing her as a responsible adult. Obviously, she and her husband had their conversation concerning finances and even if she didn’t love him, I’m sure there was a mutual caring and respect there, otherwise I doubted he would’ve married her, and vice versa. It also reiterated the idea to me that black woman aren’t meant to be cared for in relationships — especially financially — the way white women have been throughout history because we (as black women) don’t deserve to be, and we’re meant to be workhorses.
Do you know what else I find amusing about all this? Other WOMEN will get pissed at you for wanting a financially stable and competent man, all the while claiming that you shouldn’t want a man for his money, and completely ignoring the fact that men not only require women they date to have money, but they have a whole check list that woman must fulfill in addition to having her own money.
The women who get mad at women like me for telling other women not to settle for whatever man comes along and calls them cute and tells them he likes them and wants to move in with her after only two weeks because he can’t afford his own place, are called “pick me” women. I became acquainted with that term on Twitter a few years ago and it definitely suits that breed of woman. They’re women who consider themselves better than other women, although they refrain from saying this blatantly. They agree with practically everything a man will say because they crave attention and approval from men, even when it’s obvious they’re going against their own interests.
I actually understand “pick me” women so well because I used to be one. It’s a very harmful mentality that develops when women grow up in certain types of households and environments that overtly and subliminally exalt men, excuse any bad behavior by men, yet simultaneously condemns women. What makes this mentality especially awful is that a lot of the SAME bad behavior that these women will excuse men for, they judge women for harshly.
I’ve seen women make arbitrary lists like this, and to be honest, the only thing it ensures is that she’ll end up remaining single, and not by her choice. She’ll continuously wonder why other women get married and find their own version of happiness in their relationships, not realizing that she sabotages herself repeatedly with what she wants in a partner. So while she is a controlling narcissist, men aren’t going to look at her list and feel bad about themselves, and she’s not really going to think other men are the problem either, but that her standards are just high.
When men make lists like this, however, it does something different. Yes, he’s single, but what he does is he make women think THEY ARE the problem, rather than he’s a controlling narcissist who doesn’t understand how to connect with a woman romantically. He sees her as a thing he can’t control, rather than a person who was a fully developed adult when he first met her.
You know what else is funny, except not in a “haha” type of way? I bet the guy who wrote his list of requirements for women got most of his claps from other women.
If you read this and think I’m bashing men, you have a seriously warped thought process, but I accept it because people don’t like it when women tell the truth and are assertive about our views, which is why so many people had an issue with the song “WAP”, but when men make similar songs, no one blinks an eye. As a woman who’s read numerous hateful articles geared towards women in my lifetime and don’t bother to make a comment and keep my life moving forward while putting that misogynistic crap behind me, I can tell you right now, there is no hate in what I’ve just written. People of any gender can benefit from what I just wrote if they actually understand it, and I truly hope you do.